The thing in us we fear just wants our love.

The air was warm for late october. I had a different expectation for the season but thats how life goes around here. After a while expectations are just a waste of time. Depending on who you ask, thats how i spend most of my time anyway, wasting it. I come from a small town where work ethic is genuinely valued. So i am well aware of the time i squander .

Every second I am aware of.

I even waste time keeping up with the time i have wasted.

Today.

Here I stand In my hometown.

Wasting time.

Walking around the track behind the school I attended from 6th to 8th grade.

“The Track”.. I remember. People in town would call it.

“I am going to The Track after work to walk”. They would say.

I don’t live in cities that small anymore.

I waste time in bigger cities.

It has been 15 years since I was last standing over this soil. Those were the days we cried for freedom and wiped away our tears with ignorance.

I am drifting rapidly without intention. The spinning is no longer making me sick but turning me on. This crazy fast roller coaster that ends with the ether. This ride. We take, Enjoy.

As natural as time was distance. There seemed to be a metaphor for my life within contemplation of the new space that separated me from the crumbling track.

I put on my headphones. Leonard Cohen began to entrance my mind. I started to think of the girl that had consumed all of my teen hopes, dreams, and fantasies . She actually came by my house while I was a freshman in high school. My mother was away at work. She said she wanted me. Every young mans dream. Dripping wet in her Insane Clown Posse shirt. It was Just a phase she went through. She was never a real juggalo. She was actually way to intelligent and elegant to be anything other than amazing. she moved like the melody in an Incubus song. Caring me with her as I stumbled along. playing in my head over and over all day. That day she came over. I didn’t know how to act. I never did. I told her no. The reason i gave her is that I was into god. I was afraid. Sex was scary. I would disappoint. And she was so perfect.

I feel like she is the first girl I lost.

I bet she doesn’t even remember.

It is so hard to be remembered. There are so many people to know. There are so many people who have molded my life that will never know.

She was one of them.

The faded white lines on the track are hidden by filth. A thick covering. Traces of thousands of innocent footsteps. In a city where main street echos the splintering of poor boys backs. Those would be the most relaxed and carefree steps for the majority of those I walked it with.

I pull my headphones away from my ears and close my eyes.

Her face.

I was afraid.

“The things we fear just wants our love.”

Tears were gaining weight. The rain clouds roll in almost unrealistically fast. I walk to my car slowly.

I look across the parking lot to a loading dock behind the high school band room.

The rain.

Blake

nothing is impossible to a willing heart

Justin is 9 years old and full of life. He spent most of his days engaging the neighborhood children his age. The largest portion of his time hanging out was spent down the road with his friend cory. They would catch crawfish in the creek, play home run derby , and look at cory’s uncles porn while he was at work. One day while Justin and Cory were playing in the creek, Lauren came by and said hello. That was the first time Justin had feelings for a girl. He ran home to talk to his father about his new exciting news.

It was just after five o’clock when Justin walked into his father’s study. A well articulated collection of rare books, records and maps of the stars. Justin’s father was in his late 40’s . 48 to be exact. His hair line was creeping back in a distinguished manner. He was 5’11”, and weighed 180 pounds. He was famous amongst his friends and family for his creative and intellectual properties. To Justin, his fathers words were law. He knew on this (special) occasion he could count on his father for some solid advice. Justin approached his father calm and thoughtful. He took his time and explained to his father what he had felt.

“Son”, his father’s calm steady voice replied. “Have a seat on the couch.”

Justin walked over to a brown leather couch sitting in front of his fathers desk. His father slowly stood and pushed his chair back. He stepped to the side and slid the chair back under the desk. He walked over to the couch and sat next to his son.

“Your mother was the love of my life. Not a day goes by I don’t think of the joy she would bring me. I remember this one time we stood and kissed in the rain for hours. A joy I have not since found. Love, is what they called it son. Years we spent in perfect calamity, in perfect harmony, In the perfect time of our life. I thought death was the only thing that would take me from this eternal commitment to her. Nope, just her getting drunk enough to sleep with my friend. Given, we were separated at the time, it was the nail in the coffin. Since then, I have wasted away looking for anything to make me feel whole.

Justin asked his father. “do I not fill the void?”

His father sighed. “I love you with all my intention and time, son. But the honest answer is no. I am lonely for a contemporary to share my thoughts, dreams, ambitions and fallacies with. I want someone to want with and to build a life with. I long for someone to share in the excitement of raising you”

“What about your girlfriends dad?” Justin said.

“It seems the older we get, the less likely it is to find someone that shares our dreams and helps to realize our ambitions. Even harder is to find someone who makes sense to my understandings of the world. All these lovers, with all these issues. All these years away from my love.”

He looked down, into Justin’s eyes

The pain of a lost love is anti-matter to the soul. I started dying the day i separated from your mother son. And my only prayer , is I never have to see you die.

“Don’t worry Dad, nothing is impossible to a willing heart” Justin replied.

“You didn’t understand a word I said, did you Son” he questioned.

“Empathy is empty for a 9 year old dad.” Justin skipped out of his dad’s office to find the rest of his day.