The air was warm for late october. I had a different expectation for the season but thats how life goes around here.  After a while expectations are just a waste of time. Depending on who you ask, thats how i spend most of my time anyway, wasting it. I come from a small town where work ethic is genuinely valued. So i am well aware of the time i squander .

Every second I am aware of.

I even waste time keeping up with the time i have wasted.

Today.

Here I stand In my hometown.

Wasting time.

Walking around the track behind the school I attended from 6th to 8th grade.

“The Track”.. I remember. People in town would call it.

“I am going to The Track after work to walk”. They would say.

I don’t live in cities that small anymore.

I waste time in bigger cities.

It has been 15 years since I was last standing over this soil. Those were the days we cried for freedom and wiped away our tears with ignorance.

I am drifting rapidly without intention. The spinning is no longer making me sick but turning me on. This crazy fast roller coaster that ends with the ether. This ride. We take, Enjoy.

As natural as time was distance. There seemed to be a metaphor for my life within contemplation of the new space that separated me from the crumbling track.

I put on my headphones. Leonard Cohen began to entrance my mind. I started to think of the girl that had consumed all of my teen hopes, dreams, and fantasies . She actually came by my house while I was a freshman in high school. My mother was away at work. She said she wanted me. Every young mans dream. Dripping wet in her Insane Clown Posse shirt. It was Just a phase she went through. She was never a real juggalo. She was actually way to intelligent and elegant to be anything other than amazing. she moved like the melody in an Incubus song. Caring me with her as I stumbled along. playing in my head over and over all day. That day she came over. I didn’t know how to act. I never did. I told her no. The reason i gave her is that I was into god. I was afraid. Sex was scary. I would disappoint. And she was so perfect.

I feel like she is the first girl I lost.

I bet she doesn’t even remember.

It is so hard to be remembered. There are so many people to know. There are so many people who have molded my life that will never know.

She was one of them.

The faded white lines on the track are hidden by filth. A thick covering. Traces of thousands of innocent footsteps. In a city where main street echos the splintering of poor boys backs. Those would be the most relaxed and carefree steps for the majority of those I walked it with.

I pull my headphones away from my ears and close my eyes.

Her face.

I was afraid.

“The things we fear just wants our love.”

Tears were gaining weight. The rain clouds roll in almost unrealistically fast. I walk to my car slowly.

I look across the parking lot to a loading dock behind the high school band room.

The rain.